Sexuality : a giant playground to explore
What is sexuality ? What is sexual or not ? Is it only stimulating the sexual areas to give some pleasure, or is it also in any sensual touch, or even already in the seduction process ? My topic here isn't to define what sexuality is exactly, but to share my view of it.
Sexuality is for me a giant playground, diverse, an opportunity to explore our connection with others, new parts of our identity, to change our vision of the world, and to celebrate being alive. It is a place to express and discover, to share with joy. It could be a passionate make out, making love with all the passion and respect we have for our partner, satisfying a more sudden desire, practising BDSM to experiment with the relation of pleasure and pain, or domination games. It could be trying to be in the present moment, attentive to our sensations (a Slow Sex approach), or to use our sexual energy to reach spiritual enlightment (a tantra approach)... The possibilities are infinite, and it is, for me, absolutely fascinating.
How did I end up having this state of mind, while my western culture has still a view of sexuality with so many taboos, or an obsession tinged with frustration? My mother is very spiritual, she was practising meditation and other stuff alike, and when I was a teenager, she told me that sexuality could lead to spiritual evolution. I kept this idea in mind, and I begin to do some research, especially about tantra, while having a lot of sexual experiences, in a quest for a connection with an other human being that would be more than “normal” sex. Then I began to try some tantric stuff out, and my view of sexuality changed : it wasn't only being turned on and seeking an orgasm, but being in the present moment, trying to fully appreciate every second without chasing after a finale satisfaction. More I was experiencing, more I was learning to communicate my desires, to ask my partners what they want or how they were feeling, to notice when they or/and myself weren't fully into what we were doing. Between my personnal sex life and my professionnal sex life as an escort, I had the opportunity to try a lot of different practices : three some, using a strap-on, the sex as a meditation, foot fetish, BDSM...
Speaking of BDSM, exploring it was so interesting, in order to understand better the relation of pleasure and pain, what I like in the submissive role, in the dominant role, to play in a consenting way roles I couldn't live fully in my ordinary life, practising bondage as a meditation to learn how to let go...
These experiences allowed me to discover and develop parts of me I wouldn't think were there, so to increase my inner freedom, the one allowing me to be complex, diverse. My life became more and more interesting. In my sexuality, I can be submissive to let go of control, dominant to be in control and take care of someone, playful and innocent, masculine, feminine, a witch playing with energies, in a total devotion to life, in meditation...
I had the chance to have sexual connections with different people : a lot of very different personnalities, ages, genders,... I'm pansexual, that means I can be attracted to cisgender* men, cisgender women, trangender people, or non binary* people. And I also had experiences with couples, people with disabilities...
It gave me a very large view of what can be sexuality, the connection with another human being, touch, and also a lot of joy. I had since the beginning of my sex life this crucial intuition that sexuality was a natural act, innocent and full of light, a way to feel intensely alive. But this intuition has been blocked by a lot of prejudices : the fix image of beauty that is leading us to judge our bodies, the idea that a woman with too many partners is a “slut”, the lack of communication and imagination in the usual sexual practise, the idea that some forms of sexuality are deviant or unhealthy (like the main opinion about BDSM)...
The path to a free and luminous sexuality, that we can explore and be confortable with, seems to be quite tortuous. The problem is the judgement of others, and more than that, how you judge yourself. We have been shaped about sexuality by our culture, with its judgements and restrictions. If you want to break free, more than a battle against other, it will be a battle against yourself. But I would like to give you the good news that this path is possible, and by taking it you can discover a lot about what does it means to be alive, and to be human.
To develop a conscious sexuality is an inner work changing all the other areas of your existence. Learning to communicate our desires, to know if we consent or not to something, are tools in many non sexual situations. It is also about ethic, about learning how to accept the other, to accept yourself, to care about respect and empathy, to improve the desire to communicate and find peaceful agreements with others.
I would like to invite you, if you want to, to develop the tools that will help you explore who you are and the world through sexuality, to embrace this adventure with joy, curiosity and innocence, to feel the intensity of being alive, and invite your partners in a dance they will never forget.
With joy,
Emy Phoenix
*cisgender : a person whom the gender matches the sex assigned to him/her at birth. For example, a person born with a female body who is identifying herself as a woman is a cisgender woman.
*non binary person : a person whom the gender is neither female or male, so outside the binary division of gender, as a person genderfluid, non binary, agender...
In my articles, I make a lot of statements. It is hard for my philosopher side which would love me to explain in greater detail and give stronger arguments, but it is not fitting the short form I'm using here. I just want to specify that I'm not telling a general truth, just my truth at this precise moment of my life, which will change and evolve.
Also, I would like to apologize of my current level of english, I'm working at improving it.
And thank to J. for the english corrections!